Happy New Year, 2007. Before leaving for a dinner party with friends, I thought it would be fun to name three things for which we were thankful in 2006, and three wishes for 2007. At the time the words were leaving my mouth, I felt panic at what I might reveal. What was I thinking? I don’t always think before I talk. It’s a known Sagittarius disease.
Thankful was easy enough. I could throw mine out fairly easily. I was truly thankful to be beyond living with an angry resentful man. Second, I am lucky that my girlfriend shared her brother’s “circle of friends” with me. While I was not impressed with the movie, I loved the book, Circle of Friends. I loved the diverse characters, with their interwoven friendships. This group includes couples, singles, men, women, and a few kids. They share meals, ideas for outings, and a genuine extended-family kind of love for one another. They, too, are diverse, yet interwoven. I was incredibly lucky this year to know good men, to see them relate to others without bitterness or selfishness. I am incredibly grateful for the support of girlfriends as I rebuild who I once was. When I began to end a twenty year marriage, I expected to hold a bad attitude about men for a couple years. I secretly considered them “expensive for what you get”. I did not expect to miss male companionship for a long time, and was surprised to find myself ready to “live again” in only a couple of months. While painfully aware that my life is far too complicated for anyone to consider me now, all my liabilities are temporary. Longer term than I would wish, but temporary just the same. And by living at the periphery of their circle, I enjoy amazing friendships now. Finally, I am thankful for skills that allow me to survive. While I do not currently use many of my work skills, they are still in demand, and some day I expect to command a better pay; I am blessed with life skills for survival: the knowledge that hard work will not kill you; that happiness comes from loving, not from being loved; that forgiveness is not for the one forgiven, but heals the wounds of forgiver. Yes, thankful for the past year was easy.
Wishes for the future were not. I found myself on the edge of panic attack, and decided to just let it drop and invoke my rule that no one was forced to share. I was unable to think of something that was both attainable and “allowed”. It felt more critical because it wasn’t just a new year for me; it was the beginning of the second half of my life. And I certainly wanted more than I had asked for in many years. I dodged the question, focused on their wishes, but was not as well camouflaged as I thought. And no one remembered it was my game and my rules and I said we did not have to share. When pushed to answer, I found my mind paralyzed. I absolutely could not think. So we returned to discussing their wishes, which turned out to be a couple of the best hours of the year. Still, it bothered me that I could not answer. I was not defining my dreams for 2007; I was defining dreams for the first year in the second half of my life. I sat on my chair, as close to fetal position as I could be in a chair. All I knew was that I wanted more.
Finally, I pretended that I would not share, thought for a moment, and immediately knew what I wanted. While one friend had been logging our answers for posterity, I grabbed a pen and scribbled quickly, lest I find myself stymied again. When I was honest with myself, I knew what I wanted for the New Year. First was that I wanted to know my boys would grow to be good men. Secondly, I wanted someone to care for me. I have given my all, have loved with all I had, but watched that love fade over time as he became more and more self-centered. The marriage deteriorated, the love died. I have spent most of the last ten years, looking a year or two into the future, and trying to create a family that loves. But my husband refused to care about our home or our family, regardless of what I did. I realized a year ago that if he hadn’t found it in his heart to care about us in the first twenty years of marriage, it was not likely in the next twenty. And I gave up. My second wish is for someone to care for me. Sadly, it is too late to provide that for the boys. But I want a relationship of mutual love and sharing and intimacy and fun. I want more. I want to share cooking and outdoors and word games and a yearning for each other. I want more. The final wish is truly a wish. I want discretionary income. I have worked since I was fourteen to build an income for a certain lifestyle. While not extravagant, I had come a long way from selling scrap metal to keep the electricity turned on. I want to use my income for myself and my family and return to normal percentages for expenses, savings and vacations, not bear the weight alone of debt I did not incur. My current state will not allow me to pay off this level of debt, and re-purchase secondary real estate. It requires intervention beyond what is at my disposal today. But it is a wish. Not a resolution, that would require a real plan. So it stands. It is my third wish. None of us can see what changes may occur, and it may be a wish that does not come true in a year. So be it. I’ll risk wishing it anyway.
Five minutes later, I was still shaking. It was just too much honesty. I am not good at pathetic; I prefer to keep that mask tied on a bit tighter. Whatever was I thinking to start such a game? Our scribe’s list was so clear-cut: obtain goal weight, find a soul mate and settle financial matters. But the conversation was truly healing, enlightening and cathartic for one of us. Several times as we sat talking about each other’s dreams, I sent a prayer of thanks, for the friendships, for the memories, for the moments, for the insight into their hearts. And if any of us come closer to our dreams for having defined our wishes, then I will consider us that much luckier. And I already know how lucky I am. What a lovely gift to begin the New Year, and a new life. So our scribbles went into their safe to revisit at the end of the year, and today I find myself trying to verbalize for myself just what it is that I want.
I know that answer today.
I want more.
December 5th, 2011 Postscript - Today, I am thankful that I do have more, including most of the wishes from four years ago. A picture, that's what we need: a picture. So as today is my birthday, I intend to add details to the picture of more..... I hope you do the same.
December 5th, 2011 Postscript - Today, I am thankful that I do have more, including most of the wishes from four years ago. A picture, that's what we need: a picture. So as today is my birthday, I intend to add details to the picture of more..... I hope you do the same.
