1994_01 Lonely

Marriage is a lonely thing

Or perhaps it becomes lonely over time

My heart claims this is merely a stage in its life

And I want to believe

So I remain committed to this family, to this marriage

I believe this is only a step in evolution.

But I remember when we were best friends

When we could spend days together

  Because we cared about the same things,

  And wanted the same dreams,

  And believed the same ideas

It’s sad that it seems so distant

  And hurts

    To find myself so far away

But each time a storm is followed by a deep freeze,

  A few leaves are weakened,

  A few twigs are damaged,

  Making them unable to hold on

    During the next storm

Storms are natural;

I know that.

  It’s the frigid ice that kills.

Each silent cold

  Robs the tree of supporting life;

Each withdrawal of warmth

  Drains energy from its soul

The colder the storm rages,

  The less life flows to the limbs.

The longer the freeze,

  The more brittle become the branches,

  The lonelier becomes the heart,

  The sadder becomes the soul.

Yet with each storm it hurts less.

The hardier branches steel themselves

  For the next cold spell,

  And draw back from potential hurt.

It is self-defense that the heart pulls away;

It is Darwin’s law that the strongest survive.

The marriage becomes lonely as an act of preservation,

  Hoping for a new spring,

  The generation of renewed love and

  Some miracle to create life.

But in the meantime

I find it sad to care less.

I find the winter

  Hibernation

   

    Lonely

I have learned remedies and devised crutches for the loneliness. I do not apologize for any crutch that helps me to get through tough times. I am honest enough to recognize the crutch for what it is and to use it only until I am able to move on without it. The best crutch for loneliness is friendship, both real and perceived.

God invented girlfriends for those times when we need beyond what a spouse can provide. I truly believe that God never intended for the love of our life to provide for all our emotional needs: not all our personal growth, not our only forum for dreams, not all our physical support for daily life. We draw instead from a host of tools and souls. Once I really understood the role of girlfriends, I began to cut my husband some slack. He does not want to know on a day to day basis what I feel, what I am working on within, where I “scored”, when I lost. A girlfriend, on the other hand, loves to analyze with me, as it is in that analysis that she grows too. I absolutely understand now that you teach best what you most need to know. I think I stole that axiom from Illusions, but I understand it better every year.

This week I had the good fortune to walk for over an hour two days in a row with a dear friend. She is struggling in her new life with an infant. While she finds it amazing to be so in love with this miracle, she is challenged by a weeklong visit from in-laws very different from her own family. Okay, I know: and she’s different from the rest of us, how? She isn’t different. Many couples find that part of the attraction was the balance forced into their lives. That balance often comes from stark differences. While she understands her fiancé much better now, she is also exhausted by the negative attitudes, the lack of help, the condescension of their wedding and baptismal plans. She looks so forward to the arrival of her own family so she can be excited about the Lenten season, the baptism, their colossal wedding plans.

I’ve also learned a thing or two about negative attitudes. One is that if I let that negative energy flow through me, continue with my natural, almost “Pollyanna” approach, the negativity has nowhere to fester or grow or even to sustain its own life. If I refuse to acknowledge it, I also refuse to feed it, and it soon dissipates. I’ve finally learned to breathe, to pray, then to not walk as if on eggshells. Typically, the negative person gets bored, becomes part of the wallpaper, or joins life as I think it should be lived. Not always. It takes a considerable amount of energy on the front end to be who I need to be, to follow through being true to my natural exuberance all by myself. And I don’t always have that much energy, or the time to pray for it.

But, being who I am, I gave her my opinion: be excited if you want. They’ll either become wallpaper and allow you to enjoy your family, or they’ll watch, learn, experiment with happiness, change a little. Easy for me to say. But she tests it out, and thinks me some twentieth-century prophet. We teach best what we most need to learn.

So the next day, still basking in those praises, I was tested. I found myself in the very uncomfortable situation of my husband being over-involved in our son’s hockey team, very critical of the coaching style, to the point that he insisted that we move him to another team. Buy another jersey with only four games left, make new friends, explain why he couldn’t just “skate” for the remainder of the season. No. His father was adamant that he learn, improve, and that this coach’s style was too lackadaisical. He was angry, confrontational, and way outside of any comfort zone of mine. So I tested my purported approach. Having just reminded her of that approach, I could remember having heard it somewhere. So I chose to enjoy our time together as a family. I chose to live each day with the enthusiasm that comes naturally to me. And when the boys were tucked into their beds that night, I returned to whatever friend I could conjure up.

The clear, cold night is comforting.

I sit alone on the front step,

  Unnoticed by the Outside,

  Unmissed by the Inside.

I breathe the cold air in through my nose,

  The heat of anger out through my mouth.

I breathe the cold air in through my nose,

  The loneliness and resentment out through my mouth.

Orion is clear

                And reminds me that I am not truly alone.

The illusion of companionship is good.

Together, we share the beauty and peace of the dark,

                The calm and quiet of the cold.

Together, we remember the good of the past, the

                Good of the present, the good we expect tomorrow.

One more cleansing breath:

  Cold air, in through the nose,

  Hold the peace and comfort of God as long as possible,

  Then slowly,

    Ever so slowly,

    Breathe out the hurt,

      Breathe out the memory

                Forgive those who have caused pain,

                Ask forgiveness for any pain caused in return

                Ask for wisdom and strength and patience

                Remember that happiness comes from loving

                Not from being loved

                And prepare to return to the Inside.

Thin, cirrus clouds drift across the quarter moon,

  Reminding me that nothing is static.

  All is still changing, some things better, some things not.

The moon knows not how the clouds alter her appearance

  But she trusts and accepts and only changes from perfect to perfect.

I cannot control the outcome of all, regardless of good intentions.

    I return now to do the best I can.

    I return now

    To the Inside.